Spring Time

It is almost spring. It is almost that time of year when the allergies kick up, older men lose their hair, and the birds set about decorating automobiles. What I have just written is obviously a different view of a season that many cheerful odes celebrate as a renewal of life. So which view of spring is correct? The answer is both. Anyone who has looked into a bird’s nest after the fledglings have left it, or has changed a diaper, or has witnessed a birth will affirm the fact that life, as wonderful as it is, is messy. That mess, of course, is a small price to pay for life. I can appreciate blooming flowers and colorful birds as much as the next guy, and I am glad that I am around to enjoy it.

The vernal equinox is on March 20 this year, but it is not this celestial event that has me thinking about spring. It is not like the equinox instantly changes everything. The snow does not instantly melt, nor does the vegetation instantly spring to life. Up here we get a few days of relatively warm temperatures, followed by freezing temperatures that turn the run off into ice, followed by more snow, which is then followed by warmer temperatures. The other day I stepped out of my back door, took two steps toward my truck, and slid two and a half feet down my sloped driveway. Clear the ice, you say. Well bring your pickax and give me hand. I doubt that many of you would accept the invitation. I do not blame you. As you may have gathered, I am looking forward to the months of warmer, consistent temperatures. That consistent weather pattern usually starts sometime in May or June. In this regard the equinox is more of a promise than a desirable change.

What marks the onset of spring for me is not what nature does; rather it is what man does. It is this nonsense of springing forward, of setting the damn clocks ahead an hour. That hour of sleep I am losing hit me hard this year. I guess I am reaching the age when a disruption of my normal sleeping pattern is not well tolerated. I do not care whether you want to stay on standard time or switch to daylight savings time. Taking advantage of the longer days is fine with me. What I object to is the changing. Pick one time and stick to it!

Speaking of how we adapt to nature, Top Gear displayed a device that falls roughly into the category of you have to be kidding. It is called a she-wee. It is a false penis that is supposed to allow women to urinate standing up, like a man. It is made of plastic. I could not help thinking that it would make someone who is wearing it appear to have to an erection that is too small to be flattering on a man but would still raise some serious gender questions about a woman. I also wondered how well it fits and whether there is a danger of it leaking. I will let you draw your own conclusions in regard to the pun. One of the more amusing aspects of this device is the way it is being promoted. Whoever wrote the promotional copy made it sound like men whip out their hoses and spray whenever and wherever the urge to do so strikes them. Most men know that life is messy enough without random sprayings. Give us some credit, ladies!

First published in macsbackporch.foxtail-farms on Mar. 17, 2010