It’s A Phone, Damn It!

Telephones are a convenience. It is difficult to imagine being without one. As far as advancements in telephone technology are concerned the one I most appreciate is the answering machine that allows me to screen my calls and allows other people to leave messages for me. I do not own a cell phone. There is no one I want to talk to enough to pay the high rates phone companies charge for wireless communication. I know something about cell phones only because my employer insists that I use one at work. The cell phones I use there are occasionally replaced with newer models that have most of the newer features. This proliferation of features and functions leads me to believe that it is in regard to wireless communications that technology has really run a muck. What I mean is that the manufacturers have lost sight of what a phone is supposed to do and are making the basic function a secondary concern. Because of this I have to read pages of literature just to figure out how to answer the damn thing or make on outgoing call. Keep it simple, dumb ass! It is a phone first and all those other functions are secondary.

All right, so I am a grumpy old man, but I do not give a rat’s dork about anything beyond a phone’s most basic function. I do not want a phone that can kiss my butt, photograph it, and send the photo to another cell phone, face book or some other device. I believe the ability to do that merely adds a new dimension to obscene phone calls. And why would I want to text people when I can talk to them or leave them voice messages? Anyone who has tried it will tell you that it is a lot quicker and easier to dictate what you have to say than it is to type it. I suppose I could compose some doggerel on my cell, but even if I were silly enough to do that, I am not demented enough to inflict it on anyone. What I am saying is that the only way I would use the text function is if they made the huge improvement I really want. To wit, I want to send a big “GFY” to all telemarketers, and I want it to override the machines they are using to send those shitty, recorded sales pitches. The ability to insult and thwart telemarketers is something I would gladly pay for.

Now that I think about it, I do not believe I have received any sales calls on the cell phone I use at work. I might have to think about replacing my land line with a cell phone. I know cell phones can receive messages, but can they screen calls? Would a cell phone behave like the remote control for my television and go missing on me? There is also the question of inter net service for my computer. This is too much for the old noggin to process. I think I am getting a headache. I am going to hoist a cold beer or gin and tonic while I wait to see what the technocrats and the companies they work for come with next. Here is a hint for them, the boomers are not getting any younger; there is going to be a large market for products that are friendly to the elderly. Think bad eyes and fat fingers. Make the basic function of your product easy to use, and leave the heavy lifting to younger people who do not mind straining the brain a bit or punching their way through a maze of small buttons in order to take advantage of the more advanced features.

First published in macsbackporch.foxtail-farms.com on May 11, 2010