I receive other cards on my birthday as well. I do not mind the ones from my insurance agent, my dentist, and others who have a commercial interest in me. Nor do I mind the sales letters from companies touting their supplements to Medicare. But there are some things that simply do not go together. Every time I pass a hospital that has a cemetery next to it I cannot help wondering if that is where they bury their mistakes. When I see a funeral parlor next to a rest home I think of vultures. Those are not pleasant thoughts. On a more humorous note, I also noticed that Al’s gun shop sits next to the offices of Dillinger’s insurance. John Dillinger needed the guns to rob banks. I suppose he also thought they provided him with some protection, but you can hardly call the guns insurance. In fact, they were the death of him. Similarly, we all need the time to do what we were meant to do, but that precious time will be the death of anyone who is fortunate enough to avoid an early demise. Death is a fact, but I do not think it is unreasonable for me to say that it is not what I want to think about on my birthday. I say this because one of the cards I received was from a company that specializes in cremation. It does not matter how sensitive they try to make their sales pitch or how artfully such a card is worded, a person receiving that card on his birthday will interpret it as follows:
Happy birthday, you old relic:
Father time marches on. As you slow down he speeds up. Your final reward is closer than you think. Don’t clutter up the place with your carcass. Think about your loved ones. Now is the time to provide for the disposal of your remains. Go green. With all those baby boomers nearing their end burial plots will come at a premium, and new cemeteries take up valuable land the living will need. One also has to wonder what the chemicals used in embalming are doing to our environment. Cremation is ecologically friendly. Your ashes will fit quite nicely in one of our beautiful urns. We’ll even scatter your ashes over the ocean if you want.
To the company that sent me this card: Up Yours! I agree that we should plan ahead, but birthdays are a celebration of life!
Life is what I am thinking about right now. One of the very few good things about being my age is that people do not expect me to be cool. I must say that the current fads and fashions make me grateful for that. I am a member of one of the many generations that knows CYA means cover your ass. I believe this is very sound advice. Most people must agree with me because a well established, thriving industry is still producing trousers that are designed to do it. Although a younger generation does not think that covering your ass is fashionable, it sure beats taking it in the ass. I am reminded of this on those rare occasions when the sun burns my butt crack. Hike and cover! It is not where you want to get skin cancer kids. And yes, it can happen to you.
In case you are wondering, I was susceptible to following the fads and fashions of my generation. And old photographs reveal just how absurd some of those fashions were. The difference is that my generation was able discard those fashions because we realized that graffiti belongs on bathroom walls rather than our bodies. If you think you laughed when you saw what your parents were wearing in those old photographs, just wait until your children are old enough to look at you critically. What seems cool now is very temporary. Your kids will have their own fads and fashions, and they will laugh mightily at the ones you followed. Do not be too surprised when they look at your tattoos and ask you what the hell you were thinking. That, however, is between you and your kids. The thing to remember is that each generation will try to break away from the past and establish its own identity. I am not here to judge you. You are the future, and I accept you as older generations accepted me.
Just because I am old enough and grumpy enough to give the fashion police the finger if they have the temerity to ask me whether I wear boxers or briefs, it does not mean that I am so old and grumpy that I do not have any fun. I am going to move away from my computer now. I think it is time to cease these ramblings and look for something fun to do. I will try to write another short story next week. Most of my inspiration comes from simply living and enjoying the company of the people around me. If you visit my blog next week, you will see whether those people inspired laughter or more serious thoughts about the human condition. I may not be a great writer, but I have fun doing it. This is true even when the thoughts I express are serious.
First published in macsbackporch.blogspot.com on Jul. 16, 2009
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