Bits and Pieces

In a person’s lifetime there are only three or four events or jokes that leave such a strong impression that they become that person’s stories. People wind up repeating those same stories and jokes throughout the remainder of their lives. This may be why we become bored with the friends and family members who are not experiencing new things with us. We still care about them, and we talk with them about what they and we are doing, health issues, and whatever inconsequential topics may come to mind. The problem is that those topics are soon exhausted, and the jokes and stories they cannot resist retelling are shopworn. This is why old friendships and relationships require activities that go beyond conversation. The new experiences we share with others provide a link that does not require them or us to be all that clever or funny. It does not matter whether the new experiences form indelible impressions because they are our entertainment in and of themselves, and they are fresh.

Writers and entertainers cannot repeat the same old stories and jokes. Since no ones daily life is that interesting they are constantly struggling to come up with new material. It is not an easy thing to do. I say this because I am going through a spell of writer’s block. I am tempted to resort to Will Roger’s comic book, which is what he called the newspaper. The news provides the common links of weather, sports and politics. But there is only so much you can do with the weather, and sports exclude the people who are not fans. One of the reasons so many people use political humor is because the foolish things politicians do make them such a rich source of material. At times it must seem as though they are all idiots. This, however, is a false impression. Like it or not, they reflect their constituencies. It has been said that: “The great thing about a democracy is that the majority gets the government it deserves. The bad thing about a democracy is that the informed minority also gets the government the majority deserves.” What this means is that the percentage of office holders who are fools is about the same as the percentage of people who are foolish enough vote for those politicians. The majority of voters in some places never seem to come to their senses. In most places the pendulum swings too far in one direction when people overreact to a situation or stop paying attention. The consequences of the foolish things that are done at that point make people pay attention, and there is a correction. It should also be noted here that we all do foolish things at times. The difference is that the foibles of politicians are exposed for everyone to see. I really enjoy political humor, but, as I stated before, I am trying to keep this blog non-political.

So here I am searching the old bio-database. I feel like I am looking for nuggets by sifting through the tailings of a played out mine. Fortunately, there are people who I can hear and observe. I usually try to incorporate what I hear or observe into a story. For some reason, I cannot seem to do that right now. The best way to get through writer’s block is to write, to sort of throw whatever you can think of onto the computer screen. Call them raw nuggets, bits and pieces, or something less flattering if it amuses you.

Any place where people gather can be a source of material. The cook at the corner café is very sensitive about his diminutive height. I was in the café once when a male customer made the mistake of calling him shorty.

“I’ll be damned,” the cook replied, “your wife really does tell you everything!”

During the Christmas season the song, “Rudolph The Red nosed Reindeer,” was playing on the radio. The cook turned to the customers sitting at the counter behind him.

“Yeah,” he said, “Rudolph had a song written about him, but the one all of the other reindeer remember is Randolph the brown nosed reindeer. He could run as fast as the others. He just couldn’t stop as fast.”

Another place where people gather is at a bar or tavern. Drunks are always a good source of material because, like politicians, they often do foolish things out in the open where we can see them.

Jim was one of the frequent patrons of the local tavern. He was well known for his paranoia. He was the type of person who complained bitterly about all taxes because he was certain that some of his money would be used to repair a pothole on a neighboring street that was larger than the pothole being repaired on his street. Bernie, the bartender, set a fresh drink in front of him. Jim paid for the drink and lifted it to his lips. He had barely taken the first sip when he began squirming in his chair. He was obviously in some discomfort. He had to use the restroom, but he was afraid someone would steal his drink if he left it unattended. He pulled a pen out of his shirt pocket and smiled. He thought the solution he had come with was quite clever.

“I spat in this drink,” he wrote on a cocktail napkin. He then set the napkin on the top of the glass containing his drink, and he set out for the men’s room.

The napkin was still sitting on the top of the glass when he returned, but someone else had written, “So did I.”

The funny thing was that he did not accept the added note as a joke. He bought another drink to replace the one he thought was contaminated. He also complained loudly about the bastard who had just wasted some of his hard earned cash.

Another patron returning from the men’s room sat at the bar. “My shoes are wet because your damn sink leaks,” he said.

Bernie smiled. “It’s one of the considerate things we do for our customers.”

“Considerate! How the hell can you call that considerate?”

“Now when you get drunk enough to piss on your shoes nobody’s going to know you did it.”

Bernie should have been a politician or a lawyer.

I saw a young man sit down next to an attractive young lady at the bar. He interrupted her conversation with her friend by introducing himself. She politely but reluctantly told him her name was Karen. He was obviously too impressed with himself to notice her reluctance. He reached up, removed her eye-glasses, and set them down on the bar in front of her.

“You’re really attractive without your glasses,” he said.

“You’re also attractive without my glasses.”
 
She then picked up her eye-glasses, put them on, and turned back to her friend. The young man looked like he was going to say something else, but one of the other patrons, who was an attorney, spoke first.

“Battery is defined as any offensive touching, and Karen obviously considered your removal of her glasses offensive.”

The best reply the young man could come with was, “Screw you!” He then got up and started searching the tavern for a female who might be more impressed with him.

It was not the young man’s actions that left an impression on me. What I really remembered was the attorney’s comment. If I pinch a young lady’s ass, it is battery. If she pinches my ass, it is a complement. There are definitely some privileges that come with being an attractive, young lady. Of course it is very unlikely that she would consider pinching my ass to be much of a privilege. Just because you can do something does not mean you will want to do it.

While I am on the subject of attractive women, I must say that a woman does not have to have great physical beauty to be attractive. Grace, humor, and confidence are also very appealing. There are some women who are so pleasant to be with that they light up the room. They are always the ones I want to meet.

First published in macsbackporch.blogspot.com on Jul 23, 2009