If Bachelors Ruled

Say what you want about women’s liberation, but no woman is going to give up the areas of supremacy she developed because of a woman’s traditional role. Any time you doubt it just try leaving the butt rim up after you have taken a leak. If a woman thought about it logically, she would have to admit that it is easier to lower the toilet seat than it is to raise it and then lower it again. Forget it, guys! You will never win that argument. It does not matter whether you are going to stand or sit, a man assumes you will look at the toilet before taking action. A woman, on the other hand, seems to assume that you will look at the toilet only if you think it might need to be cleaned. Otherwise, you will simply drop drawers and plop. If she falls in, it is not because she did not look. It is because some inconsiderate lout left the seat up! The bottom line, if you will pardon the pun, is that the bathroom falls in the woman’s domain. You can use it, but you have to play by her rules.

The kitchen also falls in the woman’s domain. For that matter, so does the entire house, with two small exceptions. A man will always find a place in the refrigerator for his beer, and he will always stake out his place in front of the television. A woman will normally bow to the inevitable when it comes to those exceptions because she knows that all a man really wants is a place to park his butt, drink his beer, and watch the ballgame. She will usually draw the line, however, when it comes to him watching the game in nothing but his underwear. The point is that she has undisputed rule over the household and everything connected to it. This includes grocery stores, real estate listings and many other things that have such a subtle connection to the household that a man will not even realize they are connected. What this means is that almost all retail establishments are designed to appeal to women.

If bachelor’s ruled, things would be set up the way a man likes them, and they would be far different than they are now. In the following pages I present a bachelor’s view of how things should be.

Grocery Stores

Forget about paper sections and such. A man thinks in terms of tasks. As it now stands he has to traipse all over the store to find the bathroom stuff. To a man the bathroom means the four S’s (shit, shower, shave and shine). He would put toilet paper, soap, deodorant, shampoo, products related to shaving, toothbrushes, toothpaste, dental floss and shoe polish in the bathroom section. While we are on the subject of shampoo, it should be noted that a man is not interested in esoteric descriptions of shampoos containing conditioners. If he has dandruff, he wants something that will cure it. If he does not have dandruff, he just wants something that will clean his hair. Descriptions on his shampoo should read: “For Normal Hair, For Oily Hair, For Dry Hair.” Those short descriptions are about as much as he has the patience to read when shopping. A woman, of course, is more complex, and her bathroom stuff takes up a lot more room. So next to the bathroom section we would find, “Her Bathroom.” This section would contain shampoos and conditioners with esoteric descriptions, feminine hygiene products, make up, and all the other stuff she uses in the bathroom.

One of the advantages of our task oriented product arrangement is that it also provides for conditions that could be urgent. Please note that Kaopectate and other butt corks would be next to the toilet paper. Let’s face it a person buying a combination of those two products is likely to be in a real hurry. Furthermore, if those products are the only items a person is holding, they should be a considered a free pass to the front of the line, and clerks should not waste time with needless conversation or pleasantries. The same courtesy should be extended to a woman who is buying only items related to her period. If a person has the time to buy other products as well, I think we can assume it is not an emergency. In which case the normal rules apply.

Many supermarkets carry underwear and socks as well as food. Markets that do so frequently make the mistake of creating separate sections by gender. Instead, they should place men’s underwear and sox right next to women’s underwear and panty hose. Furthermore, men’s underwear should be prominently displayed. The reason for this is that a man does not give much thought to his underwear or sox. Indeed, this is a section he will very rarely visit. If his shorts have two holes he can get his legs through and they do not form uncomfortable bunches under his trousers, a man is perfectly content with them. A woman has an entirely different attitude toward underwear. She thinks tattered underpants are almost as bad as dirty underpants. In fact, there are times when she will decide that she has seen enough of a particular pair of raggedy shorts, and she will rip them right off her boyfriend’s body. Thereby feeding his ego and getting rid of the odious in one fell swoop. Hopefully, she will buy him a new pair.

Nose blows (Kleenex, etc.) belong next to the allergy and cold medicines. Why else do you need them? Paper towels belong next to cleaning supplies. Thus, you would have cleansers, general cleaners, window cleaners, furniture polish, vacuum cleaner bags, etc. in the same section as paper towels because they are not room specific. Dish soaps, oven cleaners, tooth picks, and napkins are another matter. They belong in the kitchen, and they would be in the kitchen section along with potholders, dish towels and that sort of thing.

Carbohydrates (beans, chili, pasta, packaged potato things, etc.) would all be in the same section. They all give us gas, and the anti-flatulence products would be in that section as well. Cause and cure! What could be more logical? Although, I must confess that a sign above the beer saying, “Ill Wind? See Carbohydrate Section,” would be appropriate. We might also have a sign above the anti-flatulence products saying, “See Bathroom, Dog Breath!” This sign is to remind a man that he can be offensive at either end, and the mouthwash is in the bathroom section.

Fruits and vegetables fall within the woman’s sphere of influence. So the produce section would remain as it is, with the exception of citrus fruit. You can always tell a man who has developed an interest in citrus fruit. He is the guy who just purchased a copy of Mr. Boston’s Bartending Guide. He will start out by squeezing lemons, limes and oranges to make the mixes for his cocktails. As soon as he finds out how much work all that squeezing is he will discover the pre-mixes. Until then, we should applaud his industry and humor him by placing citrus fruit near the booze. Many drinks have a slice of lemon or lime in them anyhow.

Meat! Now that is something near and dear to a man’s heart. We must bear in mind, however, that meat is not just meat. To the extent that a man cooks, he usually does it on a barbecue. His tastes also tend toward the traditional. What he wants to barbecue is a big old beefsteak, chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers or perhaps some sausages. All those meats would be at one end of the meat section. Next to them would be barbecue fuel, barbecue sauce and other items pertaining to barbecues. This is also a good place for paper plates, unless you want to amuse yourself by putting paper plates next to the dish soap where they will make a bachelor think twice about whether he really wants to wash all the dishes piled up in his sink.

The Beer Section, nothing could be more male! To a man beer means recreation and/or relaxation. It is his sports viewing elixir, among other things, and viewing sports is one of his most frequent pastimes. He will also require some food while watching the game. Do not make the mistake of thinking that food means a nutritious meal in this instance. There is a time and place for everything, and what is clearly called for here is snack food. Chips and dips are what he wants, and they should be as close to the beer section as possible. To the extent that a man will think about heating something up, say at halftime, it must be something he can heat up in a hurry. We would, therefore, place ready to heat microwave foods, as well other fast cook items, in close proximity to the beer section. Another item I would strongly consider placing near the beer section is a guide to sports on television or a TV Guide.

Every grocery store would also have a “Special Occasion” section. This is really the relationship section, the romance section and the “Oh boy, did I piss her off” section. Here we would find flowers, candy, wine, condoms, and mushy greeting cards. The cards would fall under the headings of: “Birthday, Anniversary, Thinking of You, and So Sorry.” The “thinking of you” card section can mean many things, including: “I missed you while you were away,” or “I thank you,” or “I love you.” Do not make the mistake of having a separate “I love you” section. A young man will feel too self-conscious to browse it, and even an older man will cast furtive glances over his shoulders while browsing it. This is true even though an older man knows a woman will require him to express feelings he would rather keep private, and that other experienced men will understand this. Surprisingly, a man will not feel as self-conscious about browsing a card section labeled “so sorry.” This is because even a young man soon discovers how incredibly easy it is to stumble into a woman’s emotional minefield. The worst part is that a man does not even realize he has done it until it explodes on him. Then it is damage control time.

One item we might seriously consider putting in the Special Occasion section is a dating book, if anyone decides to print one. This is not the infamous little black book, which has name, phone number, vital statistics and comments. Instead, this is a life raft for a man who suddenly finds himself in a relationship. Forget about love at first sight, a man is too choosy for that. In all likelihood, he will find himself in a serious relationship when a woman decides that he might be someone she can mold into the sort of mate she thinks she wants. A woman is usually smart enough to hold off on any major renovations until she is sure she has the man’s undivided attention, and she does everything she can to gain that undivided attention. In the beginning it is really a very subtle process, far too subtle for a man to grasp.  The thing is that a man sort of sleep walks his way into a relationship. At some point he realizes that he enjoys being with this woman more than he enjoys being with anyone else, but he does not think of it as being a relationship until it dawns on him that he has already made some of the changes she wants. By then it is too late. She is and has been viewing the full course of the relationship (past, present, and future) in great detail. He is and has been enjoying what they share on a day-by-day basis and sees only today. This means that many of the details she expects him to remember have long since faded from his consciousness. In this regard, the dating book can save his ass! In it he has recorded her birthday, her favorite flower, her favorite candy and wine, as well as significant events and symbols, such as where they ate and what wine they drank on the first night they made love. CAUTION: It does not matter if you have expunged all references to other women, this is a book your woman must never see! She expects you to remember those things unaided. So keep this book locked in a drawer of your desk at the office or in a vault or some other very secure place out of her reach.

DEPARTMENT STORES

Talk about a woman’s world, this is it. Department stores know that she is the shopper. A woman actually enjoys probing every nook and cranny of a store to find out what it carries. To her shopping is recreation. To a man shopping is necessary drudgery that eats up his precious leisure time. When a man enters a department store it is because he just blew out the seat of trousers and must have a new pair immediately, or there is some particular product he really, really wants. He enters the store committed to finding that product as quickly as possible, buying it immediately, and getting the hell out. If you think he will look for other things that might interest him, you had better think again. If you want to entice him into buying other wares, you almost have to hit him over the head with them.

For this reason the first products he would see when he enters the store on the ground level are the big screen televisions, the stereos, etc. These are large ticket items you have to tease him with often. The next section would be the tool section. Make him wander through the tool section to get to the sporting goods section. It might remind him of those tasks he has been putting off. Besides, he does not want to waste a lot of time looking for the tool section when he finally decides to do those tasks. If his recreational activities require sports equipment, he will walk through the tool section to get to the sporting goods section fairly frequently.

Next to the sporting goods section would be the men’s clothing section. The clothing closest to sporting goods would be jeans, short trousers, sweats, polo shirts and other casual attire. If he is there to buy clothing, this is the clothing he has probably come to buy. Behind the casual clothing would be the dress shirts and neckties. Shirts and ties are the part of his work wardrobe that he has to replace most frequently. Sports coats, dress slacks and suits would come next, but they are items he buys infrequently. If he is in a relationship, his woman is probably going to re-dress him anyhow. The last items, of course, would be underpants and sox. If he is there to buy underwear, you can bet that the waist band on his shorts has finally given way or he has gained so much weight that his brief under shorts are beginning to make him sound like he is auditioning for the Vienna Boys Choir.

You may have noticed that I did not even mention pajamas. If a man thinks about pajamas at all, it is because he is wondering who buys them. There are only two conditions that can make a man wear something to bed. If he lives in a cold climate and is skimping on the heating, he might want to wear something warm to bed. In which case he will probably opt for a thick pair of sweats. He will also wear something to bed if he is in a situation where doing otherwise might be socially unacceptable. One such instance might be if he is sleeping in a not so private room at the house of his girlfriend’s parents. In all likelihood, he will not buy pajamas for that rare occasion and will resort to a pair of sweat pants instead. So the mystery continues. Who the hell buys men’s pajamas? It must be women. Men’s pajamas, if you must carry them, should probably be placed with women’s clothing.

THE MALL

The less we say about it the better. The mall is the playground of womankind and the bane of mankind. At every entrance to the mall there would be a watering hole with a huge, obtrusive sign saying: “Ladies, shopping is extremely detrimental to your man’s blood pressure and mental health! Park him here. We have the game on TV and libations to sooth his fragile nervous system.” If a woman is re-dressing her man, she should take him to the men’s shop straightaway. The moment he has tried on and purchased what she wants him to wear, she should deposit him at the watering hole while she does the rest of her shopping. Needless to say that the nerve tonic he will quaff to blunt the trauma of being re-dressed is not conducive to operating a motor vehicle. So a woman who puts her man through this ordeal should also plan on driving him home afterward.

You may have noticed that I have written about how stores and such would change if bachelors ruled. I am not naive enough to think we men can change women. That is not a complaint. It is just a fact. Ladies, I think I speak for all men when I say we love you anyhow.

First published in macsbackporch.blogspot.com on Feb. 25, 2009