The Wedding Gift

Matt and Bob had been roommates in college and quickly became best friends. There were the freshman and sophomore dorm years. Then they found an inexpensive apartment to rent. It was not exactly a Hugh Hefner bachelor’s pad, but it was good enough. To them it was freedom. The two bedrooms were small with barely enough room for a bed and a dresser. Having their own rooms, however, offered them some privacy on those nights when one of the boys got lucky. The kitchen was cramped and they used a card table to dine on when they had quests over for dinner, which was a rare but significant event. Their living room would have been fairly spacious if it were not for the two desks and computers. It was shame to put those items in the living room, but that was the only room large enough for them. The living room also contained a sofa, a chair, a television and a stereo. The walls were decorated with posters of rock bands, and the bookshelves were pine boards resting on cinder blocks.

Matt was almost the perfect roommate. He was neat and well organized. Bob was the messy one. Matt was always chiding him about the clutter. Bob responded by putting the unsightly papers in a large packing box he decorated with self-sticking shelf paper. Ironically it was the messy one, Bob, who was the better cook. Not that he cooked very often, once or twice a week at the most. Their primary diet consisted of pizza, Chinese food and beer. The only fault Bob could find with Matt was the fact that Matt occasionally played some really rotten practical jokes. Bob would never forget the time that Matt had screwed up Bob’s night with Sally. This was only Bob’s fourth date with her, but he brought her back to his apartment. They sat on the couch and were soon indulging in some rather heavy petting.

“Why don’t we go to my bedroom,” he said.

“All right, but I need to use the rest room first.”

She walked into the bathroom. She could not have been there more than a minute when Bob heard her shriek. She came storming out of the bathroom and demanded that he take her home immediately.

“What happened?” he asked as he drove her home.

“Don’t play dumb with me!”

“I don’t know what I’ve done.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Can’t we talk about his?”

“Not now.”

He pulled up to her place and stopped. She got out of the car and ran to her apartment without bothering to shut the car door. Bob noticed a wet spot on the back of her dress as she disappeared inside. When he returned to his apartment he discovered that Matt had taped plastic wrap under the toilet seat. It did not take much imagination to picture Sally’s urine running off the plastic wrap and down onto her panties. He confronted Matt the next day.

“That wasn’t funny!”

Matt laughed. “Got you, huh.”

“No, you got Sally, and it cost me a lay.”

Matt struggled to control his laughter.

“Payback’s a bitch, pal. I don’t know when or how I’ll get even, but I will.”

It had been years since that event. Both boys had graduated from college. They were no longer roommates, but they were still best friends. When it came to women Matt was one of the strangest people Bob had ever met. He never went to any effort to pick women up. He did not have to. Women found him irresistible if they were near him for any length of time. It took some effort on their part, but when they made their interest in him obvious he would ask them out. The one thing he had in common with the playboys was his aversion to commitment. The moment a girl became serious about him he would find some excuse to end the relationship. It was hard to believe he was now getting married. But Gwen was no ordinary woman. She was beautiful and cheerful, the sort of girl who really lights up a room. She also had some artistic talent, but she was too sensible to try to make a living painting. The one thing that kept her from being the complete pragmatist was the fact that she was so sentimental. She went all out to celebrate the holidays. Matt had proposed to her in October, and she had insisted on a November wedding so they could celebrate Christmas as husband and wife.

Bob was in a department store shopping for a wedding gift. It was not even thanksgiving and the store was already decorated for Christmas. Bob found that objectionable. “One holiday at time, damn it!” That was his attitude. He was sure Matt would concur. Bob could remember when he and Sally brought a small Christmas tree into the apartment. Yes, it was that Sally. Bob managed to convince her that the plastic wrap was Matt’s doing.

“Where are going to put that?” Matt asked.

It was not the question that got too Sally, it was his tone of voice.

“I thought we’d put it in front of the bookcase if that’s all right with you, Mr. Scrooge.”

“I’m not a scrooge. I just don’t get all goofy about it.”

It was the rolls of outside Christmas lights the department store had placed on display that reminded Bob of Sally's reply: “Ho, ho, ho! And a merry fucking Christmas to you too, Gov’nor!”

Bob started laughing. “A merry fucking Christmas indeed,” he thought. He had not tried to get even for the plastic wrap prank, but he had not forgotten it. Two strands of lights, each fifty feet in length ought to do it. It was a rather novel wedding gift but not inappropriate given the season. He was sure it would appeal to Gwen's artistic nature, and the thought of Matt putting up and taking down all those lights was too amusing to resist.

Gwen was delighted with the gift. “Let’s put them up tonight!”

If a look can call you a bastard the one Matt cast at Bob certainly said it. “I’d rather not do it in the dark. I’ll do it tomorrow,” Matt said.

“Okay, but don’t wait until the storm comes in.” The forecast was for snow.

People in the mountains did not have rain gutters because the snow and ice the gutters collect add enough weight to tear them off the roof. This meant that Matt had to find a way to attach the lights so they could be strung along the roof line. He decided to drive small nails into the eaves. Gwen was dancing like an excited puppy as she directed the placement of the lights. He was freezing cold by the time he had the lights were in place.  She looked at them critically.

“I think we should also run them down the porch posts to frame the entry,” she said.

This meant he had to move all of them. It also meant that each string of lights would be plugged into separate sockets that were on different breakers. That may not sound like a bad thing, but he was hoping the lights would blow the breaker so he would not have to put them up again next year. Ah, but hope does not die easily; fifty feet of lights still draw a hell of a lot of juice. There was still a good chance the lights would trip the breakers. Unfortunately for him, the manufacturer had thought of that. The lights blinked in a sequence of that caused them to draw a maximum amount of electricity without tripping the breakers. Several days went by. The buildup of ice on the cords of the lights soon started tearing out the nails. This was made evident by the way the lights were drooping. So he was now standing on a ladder, out in the cold, as he put in screws to hold his lights in place. Bob drove by in time to laugh at the sight of Matt restringing the lights.

The next day there was a message from Matt on Bob’s answering machine at work. “Peace on earth and screw you! Where were you when I was hanging those damn lights?”

The message made Bob’s day. He went to a Christmas party at Matt’s house on Christmas Eve. Should he remind Matt that payback is a bitch or should he play innocent. He decided to play innocent.

“Hey, Matt! You did a great job of stringing your Christmas lights.”

“Fuck you!” Matt silently mouthed the words.

“Aren’t they lovely?” Gwen said. “I really want to thank you for giving them to us.”

Matt forced a smile when she turned to look at him. Bob had to struggle to keep from laughing. Matt would eventually forgive him. They were still best friends, but there was no doubt that Matt’s Christmas thoughts would be a bit less cheery as he strung those lights every year. Gwen, on the other hand, would always be pleased by the festive appearance they added.

First published in macsbackporch.fictionforall.com on Dec. 3, 2010